SonicYellow

But it has now crept its way into polite society as a relatively acceptable form of modern communication, even though it can still very easily earn the contempt we’ve all had for that obnoxious “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” ring tone interrupting Iron Man on the big screen. So it’s still on shaky social ground, and because I use it rather frequently now, I find it necessary to further solidify it’s acceptance in our culture.

To that end, as with any ‘grown-up’ habit, our use ought be guided by rules of etiquette so as not to damage further its public image, the first of which I shall now suggest in a relatively loquacious, pompous manner per my usual modus operandi:

How many times have you had a complete conversation via texting on your mobile? Why don’t you just call? Well, sometimes you should – the trick is knowing when because texting conversations can quickly become ridiculous and painfully circuitous. The advantages melt away, and your thumbs get callouses.

But how do we know when this threshold is met? When should we simply dispense with the bloody texting and have a good old-fashioned cell-phone conversation? We must first understand better the nature of texting and why we (or at least I) find it so useful (read: addictive).

The chief advantage of texting is it’s ability to convey conversational information in a time-delay insensitive manner. Additionally, given the complete monopolization of the 3 cm screen by the incoming message, you’re pretty much guaranteed that your recipient will get it, unless they’re either blind (and I’m sure they’ll come out with a brail phone soon), or ‘out of service’ which is phone-speak for their just not wanting to talk to you. One last advantage still worthy of note, is that we can dispense with the normal social pleasantries annoyingly required of normal conversation, like “hello,” and other useless, implicit chunks of wrapper data used to soften the blow of critical information such as “Dad, what’s the number for the wrecker?” It lets us get to the point and get on with what’s important – something this blog doesn’t really fancy doing.

So back to the point – as I say, these advantages quickly melt away after several volleys of text. So unless there’s no social reason not to (like if you’re texting a hottie you just met and social etiquette demands aloofness), one party should simply call the other after 4 volleys transpire in under 5 minutes.

More clearly: After four or more volleys of text within the span of 5 minutes, you are required to call that person immediately and be done with it already.

Time will be saved, the life-span of your phones buttons will be extended, and you’ll be less likely to get those nasty thumb callouses…

February 12th, 2009 | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments |

Most of us here consider today’s celebration – the marriage of Quinn and Aaron – to mark the beginning of a new family; the beginning of a long journey through life, finally joined as a whole. While I fully respect this understanding of family and marriage, I entreat you to understand another:

I find more fitting and practical to define family as that group of people with whom we choose to associate. Family is something altogether more complicated, powerful, and valuable than mere genealogy. With our every decision to spend our time, we decide exactly who is important to us, and thereby who our family is.

And it is with this understanding of family that I consider Aaron a brother. Not a blood brother, not step brother, not an African-American. But a brother quite literally, the superlative carrying with it the very same weight as it would had I grown up with him. And in truth, I’ve done much growing up with him. To put it in numbers, the decade during which I’ve known Aaron comprises roughly a third of my life, and half of my sentient life. He’s helped me through many struggles, personal, technological and scholastic, and he’s always been a constant source of wisdom, far beyond his years and certainly beyond mine. I only hope that I’ve enriched his life at least half as much as he’s enriched mine.

A look at the further implications of this understanding of family shows something else interesting, yet perhaps not obvious. As you have all taken time from your lives to come here and celebrate with Aaron and Quinn, you have demonstrated that Aaron and Quinn are very important to you. To me, this means everyone here (with the possible exception of the photographer and caterer) is a part of Quinn and Aaron’s family, related by blood or not. You are here. You are family.

But to my earlier point: I do not believe that today should be considered an event in and of itself. It is not a ‘right of passage,’ nor accomplishment to be desired, nor achievement to be lauded. It is rather a celebration – make no mistake a very important celebration to be remembered fondly – but still, only a celebration. To esteem it for its own sake, or for more than that which it represents, I think, is a mistake.

Nothing new has been introduced today, nothing has changed since yesterday, and little will change tomorrow. There is love here today. It was here yesterday, and it will be here tomorrow. This celebration, this ceremony, this moment that we all share right now away from our hectic lives to witness, is simply a formal recognition of the special relationship between two people; a relationship that began long before, and one that continues through today.

So this morning, after the groom has kissed his bride (or rather, after the bride has kissed her groom), this evening after all the spirits and food have been consumed, and tonight after sleepiness exacts its revenge for today’s jubilance, nothing about that relationship will have changed; no standing problems resolved, no life-long requirements met, nor huge accomplishments achieved. These two people will remain after today, precisely what they are before us, here, now, today. And so this celebration is largely for us to recognize what Quinn and Aaron already know – that a loving relationship exists between two people about whom we all care so very much.

June 29th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments |

For the Love of Wine

Ah, sophistication. Today has the dubiously good fortune of being endowed with one of my few, and oft fool-hearty, attempts at becoming a sophisticated thirty-something. I am going to start a new habit of drinking wine – the sophisticated alcohol – every night. I came to this decision for two reasons: recently I was told (yet again) that red wine is good for your heart. Secondly, I guess I’m trying to grow up a bit and since sophistry comes rather easy to me, I figured that’d be as good a vehicle as any to force myself to stick to it by telling others.

Thus far it’s been a rather daunting experience, honestly. Corks and their tools for removal are, at best, archaic (both literally and figuratively), and my refrigerator was not designed to accommodate the tall, slender carafe that currently resides diagonally on the top shelf, bearing its weight on an unfortunate 12-grain, whole-wheat loaf of organic bread for support. I bet there are special fridges for such things, along with automatic cork-screws, and vacuum-sealingre-corking systems. Thinking all this, I raise my glass in an austere manner and consider the bits of cork I must now painstakingly fish out of my wine and ask myself – ‘is it all really worth it?’

But seriously, as for the taste, here is what the label says:

“Sterling Vinter’s Collection fresh, bright, fruit-forward wines express the true varietal character of California’s Central Coast. This Pinot Noir is silky and elegant with opulent cherry flavors enhanced by hints of toasty oak and a complex, lingering finish.”

“Wow,” I thought. “‘Opulent.’ That sounds good!”

Note to self: Do not trust wine labels.

To be fair, though, this may not be the wine’s fault. I’m sure a wine connoisseur could select the perfect seven-course meal to bring forth or accentuate the proper flavors of the wine, and orchestrate the perfect atmosphere for the occasion by presenting it on a beautiful solid oak table beneath a dazzling and sparkly, candle-lit chandelier. Unfortunately, since I’m presently feeling quite uninspired to cook up such a feast (never mind the fact that I completely lack a solid oak table and sparkly, candle-lit chandelier), this wine played accompaniment only to a rather stale bowl of raisin bran (with less than two scoops, dammit) atop my solid particle-board computer desk, and lit by the aluminum trouble-light I keep for such ‘romantic’ occasions. To share this fine dining experience, I did have a guest – my cat, who, occupying my lap, made the whole task of wine-pouring that much more challenging.

Note to self: Computer desks, wine and quadrupeds do not mix well. Bring napkins.

I digress. The taste as described by one unqualified, inexperienced and unsophisticated palate: Bitter and alcoholic. Go figure. I had once imagined that the taste of wine was an inescapable and torturous aspect of adult life. Were I to base my judgement solely on today’s first taste, I’d be entirely correct. My mouth puckered; I found it quite repugnant.

In my defense, however, it was a young, $14 bottle of red wine from Hannaford. What can really be asked of it? As it sat, blood-red and brooding, no doubt because of its il-fitting brandy glass, it occurred to me that perhaps, like coffee, wine might be an acquired taste, and it might take a bit more doing before I ‘get the hang of it.’ Thus I persevered.

The obvious next question, my muddled mind met, of course, was why to acquire it in the first place, (particularly given its premium)?

Ah yes. That’s right, sophistication…

It seems I’m attempting to enjoy something for some tangential virtue, not the thing itself. How pretentious is that? (doubtful much more so than the heavy sophistry used in this haughty piece). Though I must admit – the closer to the bottom of the glass I drank, the easier, and more smoothly went the wine. It was certainly no cup of tea (shoot me now), but the fact that is that it became much easier, and dare I say enjoyable as I neared the bottom. And in the end, glass empty, adjacent to the wine-spilling feline atop my particle-board computer desk, I must admit, I was quite disappointed that there was no more.

Note to self: It can be no coincidence that sophistication and sophistry bear the same root – both largely lack endearing qualities in their nature, but both can lead to a more entertaining life along the way.

April 24th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments |

Summer is finally near, and I can hear the call of the smooth, dry asphalt and windy backroads… I recently swapped my snows for some decent performance tires, hoping very much that we’ve seen the last of accumulating snow. I anticipate a summer of good, safe and spirited driving with really loud Irish music! Hope to see you out there! (highly recommend http://www.sccnh.org by the way!)

Regretfully, I am reminded almost daily of the inadequate atempts made by the NH DMV to prepare drivers for the road. My desire for good, safe and spirited driving experiences are often thwarted by the unfortunate and unwashed masses that have somehow obtained driver’s licenses.

But hey, I’m no Jeff Gordon. I make mistakes. But seriously, come on. All it takes is a little forethought and practice to become a really decent driver. Doing so would alleviate a remarkable amount of frustration on the road, and drastically reduce the stock valuation of certain anti-stress pill selling pharmaceutical companies.

To this end, (and since I don’t have stock in any pharmaceutical companies) I’ve put together the following rules for the road to help my fellow driver become… how do I say? More like me: A half-way decent driver. This is clearly not a complete list, not an in any way an official list, and it is *possible* that it could contain flaws (however unlikely), so please feel free to give feedback or additions. I’m always looking to improve my driving.

General Principles

1. Anything that obstructs the flow of traffic is the enemy. Don’t be the enemy. This causes road rage in other drivers.
2. Blinkers are notifications of intention – *Use Them.*
3. Be *aware* of your surroundings at all times.
4. Let faster vehicles pass (particularly on the highway)
5. Know Thyself (and thy vehicle) – know what you and your vehicle are capable of. For instance, blind spots, realistic and safe cornering speeds. My father once told me that in racing, you don’t know the limits of your abilities or your vehicle until you spin out off course. Though this method of determining these limits is inadvisable on normal roads, having a good idea of what they are will make you a much safer, more effective driver.
6. Unless you’re strong with the force, you’ll need to predict the actions of others on the road, and anticipate what you’ll need to navigate through it safely and efficiently. The sign of a good driver is the ability to predict and anticipate traffic patterns, and conversely, the sign of a poor driver is the inability to do the like

Specific Rules:

1. Blinker Before Brake – The purpose of a blinker is to provide notification of intention, not notification of what you’re *already doing*. Any change in traffic patterns (particularly unexpected ones) need to be relayed to other motorists *before* they occur, because it’s not always possible to divine lane changes from driving behavior.
2. Move Over for Mergers – This is a no-brainer. If there’s an empty lane to your left while someone is merging, *go there.* It helps mergers dramatically, and helps avoid you trading paint…
3. Right-Turn Break-Down Lane use – Get Out of the Way When Turning – Use breakdown lane 50(ish) feet before turning onto a minor road if possible. This allows motorists behind you to continue without needing to slow down dramatically (or stop) to get by you safely.
4. No Two-Lane Convoys – This is a specific instance General Principle #5: On highways with two or more lanes, matching the speed of a car beside you is *only* acceptable if there is no car behind you trying to get by. Don’t make decisions for other people, particularly when their foot is to the floor, and your bumper is on the chopping block.
5. Space It Out at a Stop – When at a red traffic light or stop sign, leave sufficient space between your vehicle and the vehicle in front in case you need to pull out and go around it. This also helps keep your bumper clean in case someone mistakes the ‘R’ for the ‘D,’ or is new to the idea of a ‘hill-start.’
6. Roll Right After Red – In keeping with General Principle # 1, your main goal when a traffic light turns from red to green, is to get on through… As such, take your foot off the brake as soon as the light turns green. The sooner you are rolling, the sooner the person behind you can get rolling and so on. This drastically reduces the chances that drivers will ‘miss the green,’ and gets you out of the intersection quicker. It is true, you may need to re-apply the brake if the driver in front of you is slow on the uptake, but this shouldn’t be a problem if you’ve left adequate space between you and the vehicle in front of you.
7. Right of Way – Do Not surrender the right of way. Rights of way are specifically designed for safety and efficiency, so when you think you’re being nice, you’re very likely causing more harm than good because you are doing something other than what other drivers expect you to do.
8. Shoulder Work – if your wheels accidentally go off the road and into the shoulder, your vehicle may pull forcefully to the right. Resist the temptation to jerk the wheel to the left, as this can easily deliver you to on-coming traffic.

Winter Rules:

1. Increase Stopping Distances – if you didn’t know this… oy.
2. Avoid Engine Braking – using the engine to slow down a vehicle when conditions are slippery is dangerous because four wheels with abs are better than two wheels skidding for slowing a several thousand pound hunk of metal on ice.
3. When sliding, don’t slam on the brakes – but you knew that already.
4. When sliding, let off the accelerator and point the wheels in the direction you want to go.

Safety Tips:

1. Brake Hover when entering unfamiliar or confusing traffic patterns – This dramatically improves reaction time if you need to stop or slow down.
2. Use your rear-view mirror heavilly when making left turns to minor roads in case on-coming traffic hasn’t noticed you. If this happens, floor it to reduce impact.
3. Keep your wheels straight at intersections – if you are rear-ended and your car is pushed into an intersection, having your wheels pointed anywhere but straight could allow your vehicle to roll directly into traffic instead of out of harm’s way.
4. Do Not Stop in an On-Ramp – On-ramps are specifically designed to to allow drivers to match the speed of the highway. Use the break-down lane if you have to, but stopping in the on-ramp is more dangerous.

April 1st, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments |